now that my college career has ended, I can finally sit down and write down the most important lessons I learned during these last 4 years. not that I’m qualified in any way whatsoever to be giving college advice (somewhere, my CORE 111 professor is laughing her head off). lol but whatever. these five lessons impacted my life personally, so everyone else: take with a grain of salt. :)

1.) don’t have a plan

this may seem totally counterintuitive to anything anyone’s ever told you about life - but I know that (at least in my case) every time I tried make a plan… it failed. no matter how well-intentioned or organized or seemingly infallible it was: it failed, and I ended up exceedingly disappointed. example: I remember senior year of high school (exactly 4 years ago), my best friend and I were laying on the floor of my bedroom, distressed because we were 18 and had never been in a real relationship. “people get married around 26, 27 now, right?” she asked nervously. “and we should really try to know the person for like 2 years before we marry them, so that would be 25 at the latest… and we’re probably not going to marry the first guy we have a real relationship with.. so we have to have met and dated a couple before 25… so we should technically have had a long-term boyfriend by 18… which is now! plus everyone always talks about ‘high school sweethearts’.. and we’re graduating high school and we’re never going to get to say that. we’re behind, Jess, we’re behind in life!!!” and so, with steely determination, we both (already behind in life, apparently) drew out a revised time table and planned to meet someone in college. no sweat, I shrugged. it was a good thing we started planning this beforehand. I’m going to college for FOUR LONG YEARS at one of the top rated universities for good-looking and intelligent students in the country. I’m going to be surrounded by thousands of these people 24 hours a day, 10 months a year. there’s gotta be someone. totally on schedule. so my best friend and I finalized this infallible plan and I smiled at how lucky I was to have a comrade to take this journey with me. 

cut to four years later. we’ve both graduated college. my best friend is currently climbing the mountains of South America with her really cool Moss Adams boyfriend. I’m sitting in front of my laptop in the same exact room we made this stupid plan in. if 18-year-old me thought I was behind in life then… oh self, why didn’t you write this 4-year speedbump into your life plan?

after all, you know what they say about “the best laid” plans.

well, I don’t. but I just googled it, so now I know… they “go awry.” 

and honestly, looking back on my college career, the best memories came from the most spontaneous and unplanned decisions. for example, most recently: on a random whim one afternoon, I was googling “top science magazines,” and decided to send in a resume for a summer internship. I had no intentions on really going (I thought my parents wouldn’t let me anyway). when one in Australia said I could join them, I emailed back, “sure! I’ll be there!” - fully planning on backing out later. but things kept falling into place. as of only 3 weeks before I was scheduled to fly out, I decided I was going to do it. one of the most random and unexpected things I’ve ever done. and now I leave for a brand new country in 2 days! not sure what the experience itself is going to be like - but I know one thing: I have absolutely no plan and expectations whatsoever. :) I’ll just wait to see what comes my way. just go with the flow and enjoy the ride! 

2.) don’t start studying too early

this is not a dig at my crappy studying/time management skills - though many a dig is deserved… but I’m honestly serious here. whenever I started studying more than a week in advance, I tended to forget what I’d studied at the beginning of the week. so I’d have to end up re-studying what I studied earliest to begin with. my highest test scores came from the material I started studying a week in advance. my lowest came from material I started studying either 2 weeks in advance or 2 nights in advance. it’s a bell curve, y’all. a normal curve. a standard curve. 

my stats test grades weren’t so hot.

• walk slow
  I’ll admit it: I’m a slow walker. guilty! haha, but so what? I don’t get the unjustified hate and mild threats of violence I see everywhere towards slow walkers… seriously, people act like walking at less than a jog is equivalent to killing puppies and clubbing baby seals or something. like, come on, I walk slow! I’m not doing it on purpose! I have flat feet. and just how fucking important does the place you have to be at have to be for you to warrant punching someone in the back of the head for not doing anything purposely mean towards you? ruuude. 
   
• use the phrase “yolo”
  haha.I do. I apologize, functioning members of society - I use “yolo.” often unabashedly, inappropriately, unironically, and completely intentionally. so what. YOLO. lololol. 
   
• put in rolls of toilet paper the wrong way
  I’ve actually never understood why the “wrong” way is so annoying, haha. I never think anything of it when I see it put in that way, and I never think anything of it when I put it in that way. I never even realized the difference until I kept noticing across the interwebz that people were like, “OMG CAN’T BELIEVE PEOPLE DO THIS ARE THEY STUPID OR SOMETHING.” LOL. I must’ve annoyed many a friend then, apparently.
   
• check up spoilers for movies, shows, and books - and then accidentally say something to spoil it for you
  yeah, this sucks. hahaha.
    
• talk during movies
  sorry, I just get excited sometimes.
   
• take the elevator to the 3rd floor
  again, I am flat-footed and work out an average of 2 times a year. stairs are difficult for me, okay!  
   
• use hashtags in places that aren’t twitter
  i.e. facebook, tumblr text, real life… #sowhat #whocares
  #YOLO 

this is a list of some of her favorite celebrities:

• Apollo Ohno
• Katherine Schwarzenegger
• Maria Shriver 
• Jane Goodall 
• Alexa Chung 
• Vanessa Hudgen’s little sister
• Justin Nozuka
• Clay Aiken

…

when I was in 3rd grade, everyone in our class got paired with students in an 8th grade class to do an yearlong pen pal activity (which I eventually reciprocated as an 8th grader, by the way, which was cool). anyway, I remember writing in my last letter to my 13-year-old pal at the end of the school year, “wow, you’re almost done with school! I’m so jealous.” 

my 13-year-old pal responded back - “oh bless you, silly little girl,” (she didn’t actually write this part, but I’d always imagined that’s probably what she wanted to say), “no, I’m not even close to being done with school. after this year, I still have four years of high school and then I’ll go on to four more years of college… and maybe even more after that.”

I remember frowning and thinking, “oh god, she’s right - she still has such a long way to go”; followed by, “and I have even LONGER!” and at that point in my 8-year-old life, the road of academia seemed endless, winding on forever into somewhere I could no longer see, the future like a huge vast endless chasm of space. and I went back to playing pokemon, red version.

but (in what’s felt like no time at all!!), I somehow blinked and now find myself at that very end of the chasm. I’ve been in school for sixteen years (!!), and now it’s over.

my pen pal is 26 now.

when I was in 5th grade, our choir teacher Mrs. Montpas (a huge bitch) asked us how many of us wanted to go to college. naturally, all of us raised our hands… except for Smart Aleck Steven B. no, Smart Aleck Steven B. smiled smugly and said, “wrong, I want to go to university.” 

of course, at the moment, I instantly flushed in shame, thinking, “oh dang it, I meant university too! why does Steven B. always say the smartest things!” 

of course, at the current moment, I’m thinking, “man, that Steven B. was a huge fucking tool.” 

anyway, I’m sure what Steven meant was that he wanted to go on to grad school, or a private university as opposed to a community college, or whatever. in any case, it’s weird to think I’ve obtained Steven’s academic life goal. my academic life goal, really - that was barely even a planted seed of a dream that day in choir class. and now it’s not only reached, but completed. 

college flew by. sometimes I still feel more like that 3rd grade pen pal or that 5th grade choir girl, than a near-college graduate. 

I’d be lying if I said I’d loved college from the moment I moved onto campus. I hated my classmates, my professors, my classes, my advisors. I talked about transferring out to UCSD or UCLA, about dropping my major. I thought Asher Roth and his damn song were nuts.

but then I learned. I learned where to go to seek out people I could actually mesh with (awh, rushing APO. awh, my amazing roommates. awh, the back rows of the science courses to find my fellow slackers). I learned how to beat the SC system at its own game. I recognized the weeder classes, found out where to collect old tests, learned to study to each professor. I accepted that SC sets out to make us fail because they just want the best students to come out (and this was a hard lesson learned. ugh). and once I learned, college became amazing.

it’s so surreal that it’s over. I picked up my sash, cap, gown, invitations. I’ve taken my last classes and will probably never set foot in most of the buildings on campus again in my life. weird. weird weird weeeeeeird.

it honestly hasn’t set in yet, so I’m not going to let it.

p.s. suck it, Steven B.

out of all the things people have said to me over the last 21 years, this was probably one quote that I remember/think about/impacted me the most. weird choice, I know. haha. I was so affected by it that I remember practically every detail — it was summer 2003, at EPGY summer camp at Stanford University, by my campmate Gea, after I had mistakenly said, “I really only tell secrets to people I like.” (and I didn’t mean this in a mean way - like, if you know me, you know I hate talking about my personal life to pretty much anyone, even my own family). I tried to quickly rectify, “omg! I didn’t mean it like that. no, no -“
but then the way she responded, “it’s okay, not everyone has to like me” was so light, so natural, so real - that I remember just stopping mid-sentence and staring at her. she was smiling and shrugging and it didn’t come off as hostile or even defensive in the slightest. I was so jealous of how real it was; how much I could tell she meant it.

because I could NEVER, in a million years, say the same and really mean it! I hate astrology, but I’ll be the first to admit I have that horrible Leo tendency of always wanting to please everyone. I could have 100 people tell me they love me, but if one person is mad at me, I’d obsess over it and spend all my free time plotting to make them like me again. I literally wouldn’t be able to move on with my life until I knew we were okay. it’s a really tiring way to live, but I’ve been like that for years.

I really need to learn: people are just dicks sometimes! that they don’t even know they’re being dicks. or that they’re just having a bad day. that it’s rarely personal.

but I always let it get to me! I can never just let every tiny thing roll off my back. for years, whenever someone said or did something slightly rude or offensive to me - the steps to breakdown would commence: I’d start to overanalyze it, let the worry fester inside me until it boiled over into anger, then that anger would fizzle out into hurt, then the hurt back into worry, which would all lead up to me obsessively trying to amend things (even though it isn’t my fault most of the time). 

and for 8 years, whenever this happened - I’d always try reciting Gea’s words to myself. but to no avail. somehow, my “it’s okay, not everyone has to like me; it’s okay, not everyone has to like me” never came off as blithe as hers, as cool as hers, as believable as hers. I could never match her easygoing tone. I recited her words, but they were always empty. I have to face the self-upsetting fact: I need everyone to like me. 

I’m going to fix this. before I go out into the real world (in less than a year, shit).

… I bet Gea’s still cool as fuck.

if you are in college and your facebook profile picture album doesn’t consist of at least half of these - you haven’t really lived. source: four year’s experience. realization: I’M REALLY GOING TO FUCKING MISS COLLEGE. :(

in chronological order:

1.) the look-at-how-much-I-love-my-new-school pride photo

2.) the nice look-how-much-I-love-my-new-fraternity/sorority photo

3.) the party photo

4.) the photobooth photo

5.) the lined-up, hands-on-hip, going-out photo

6.) the study abroad semester novelty photo

7.) the novel doing-something-related-to-my-future photo

8.) the promotional club flyer photo

9.) the third-world country volunteer trip photo

10.) the friends-in-Vegas photo

11.) the graduation photo

(Source: jessmental)

this whole semester, really. two with-lab upper-div science courses means pretty much a midterm or exam every few days, so there have been weeks at a time where there has literally been no turnaround time between studying for, taking, finishing exams, and immediately studying for the next one. then there was that one night when I actually got to go to sleep on time (shockandawe!), but in the middle of the night, woke up sweating and panicked, thinking, “oh my god, did I fall asleep?! should I be studying for something?!” 

so yeah. it’s been testing (no pun intended.. har har).

but this week really pushed me. first of all, I was sick as a dawwwg (as I have been for practically all of March because I never had even a day to set aside to recuperate and sleep it off, or even to take a Nyquil because I didn’t have the time to spare being drowsy. all the hours in the day are already not enough! the non-stop work and lack of sleep only made me progressively sicker). so I alternated between not being able to breathe at all and my nasal cavity being so empty that it hurt (you know that feeling, I know you do!) SO. UNCOMFORTABLE. ugh. I literally had to look at my calendar to see when I could finally pencil myself in: “and now you are free to take care of yourself.” (that day is today, btw! praise Nyquil!)

anyway, on top of feeling like death warmed over, this was probably the roughest academic week I’ve had since that one week freshman year when I had BISC 120 and Chem 105a on the same day (or as I like to remember it: the night I sat outside Leavey crying on the phone to my dad about not understanding redox reactions). anyway, this week. had a big comm term paper, two lab reports, microbio and biochem midterms back-to-back, and my SC pharm school interview - all within 8 days.

so I had each day planned, all filled down to the minute with non-stop studying. it got to the point where I would fall asleep on my desk for 10 minutes - then start freaking out because I had lost 10 minutes. it got to the point where I didn’t pee for hours because I would get behind if I wasted the time walking to and from the restroom. it got to the point where I had to settle for Jack In The Box instead of McDonalds because it was closer. -_- ..Jack In The Box. and you know I don’t take my fast food lightly! hahah.

but yeah. back in high school, my mom told me stories about my older friend (who had started college before me and was pre-med at CAL), crying all the time because she couldn’t finish studying and because she couldn’t handle the pressure. and I remember thinking, “are you serious? crying? poor girl. I can’t even imagine crying because of school. I’m so glad I’m stronger than that.”
well, surprise… I’m not! haha. who knew I’d become that person I never thought I’d be? I’ve had probably 10-15 panic attacks during my college career (most of them being in freshman year when I was still unused to everything)… but 2 of them were this past week. it was a vicious cycle between not being able to breathe from being sick, blowing my nose endlessly - and just when I could finally breathe again, I would start crying from frustration and panicking about not being able to finish studying in time, which would clog up my nose again, which would, in turn, frustrate me even more, and induce a wellspring of heart-pounding anxiety. I was thisclose to not showing up for my biochem exam and dropping the class, and just laying down and quitting. 

but I didn’t! I didn’t just lay down and die! I pulled through and actually didn’t half-ass any of it. it’s over (for now). and it’s weird, but I think this feeling of pulling it off and of knowing I got through all of it without giving up - is a better feeling than if I had all this free time last week. I feel like a superhero. invincible. intrepid. LIKE A BOSS. hah. just kidding. but kinda. anyway, this week has tested me - and I passed. :) 

you can call me many things (and I would definitely agree with you on all of them, haha) - whiny, complain-y, negative, overdramatic, weak - but one thing you can’t call me is a quitter.  

and that makes me feel great. :)

I guess Kelly C. was right after all:

1. “13 years young”
2. “only god can judge me”
3. “things I like: music, clothes… and you ;)”
4. “I can be a bitch”
5. “just living and loving life”
6. “want to know more? just hit me up”
7. “[sTiCkY cApS]”
8. “hangin with friends”
9. “met X at the mall”
10. “smiling on the outside… crying on the inside…”

and as consolation, she told me my uncle used to take “vitamins” in college in order to finish all his work. 

it’s taken me 10+ years, but it’s finally dawned on me that “vitamins” = “drugs”.

I think my uncle took drugs in college in order to finish all his work.

I think my mom just gave me permission to use drugs.

does anyone have any Adderall…

oh god, here we go again. ಠ_ಠ

yup, another well-intentioned awareness-raising movement that doesn’t raise awareness among anyone who actually matters; among anyone who is actually going to do anything else besides share a “sad” video or make colorful graphics that aren’t going to do squat; among anyone who is actually going to do something to help out the cause they’re just spamming people with.

related TRUTH from the Daily What:

I honestly wanted to stay as far away as possible from KONY 2012, the latest fauxtivist fad sweeping the web (remember “change your Facebook profile pic to stop child abuse”?), but you clearly won’t stop sending me that damn video until I say something about it, so here goes:

Stop sending me that video.

people/activists who are going to do something/anything to help stop this tragedy are already fighting back. hello, it’s been going on for about what - 26 years or something? didn’t we have Invisible Children fundraisers in high school? I don’t remember much happening with those back then. and now suddenly, everyone’s super gung-ho about it because some people on the internet have proposed this tantalizing challenge. I say hashtag, you say “what words”?! I have so much respect for everyone involved in making the video because I see how good their intentions are and how much they care about stopping Kony and the child armies. and social media is the way to go if you want to get anything done these days. so they’re smart; they’ve capitalized on the idiot hive mentality of our youth these days to pass their message along. like seeds use animals to carry them across land.

it’s an amazing video with an amazing message - but I’m not going to post a link if I know it’s the only thing I’m going to do to help a cause. which is, I’m pretty sure, the case for 99% of people who are going to see it. awareness is only beneficial if it turns into action. 

(Source: purple-heartbeat)

where there used to be outward laugh if off I’m too cool to hurt fronts and inward fuming and fetal positioned self-pity, now there’s a brief nick in the shoulder, smirk, and let’s move on;

where there used to be an immediate (not fight or flight) but panic and cry and lay down and die trigger reaction to problems, now there’s the brief standard venting on the outside but my mind’s already moved on to strategy; the okay regroup how am I going to get through this problem in the most efficient possible way;

where there used to be hopeless silent panic and frustration at not knowing where my future’s heading, there’s now a resilience I never knew existed, forcing myself to set blind store by the hope that I can’t see or imagine it now, but everything will, in time, somehow just work itself out. and if it doesn’t - fuck it.

something’s different, and it feels… nice?

and absolutely nothing has changed in my life. literally nothing. but everything?

I’m reciting corny shit. I’m favoriting inspirational phrases on tumblr that I usually sneer at with a yeah, that’s totally true. I tell people don’t worry things will get better - and then walk away realizing that I actually meant it. no, but even more - I tell people don’t worry things will get better… and when it does actually get better for them (but not for me), I - in great relief - am replete with actual genuine pleasure for them. only pleasure.

jealousy used to be my long-suffering parasitic symbiont, so often present in me that it must’ve been the whole other half of me that Plato must’ve meant in his Symposium monologue. and it’s so fucking refreshing to see you less and less, you evil green monster.

and each time this has happened in recent weeks, I’ve rejected it like our cells reject foreign antigens. because it’s foreign! but all this energy is like a snowball effect. when I feel it once, I pump up exponentially and it stays. it’s snowballing right now. it’s in movement and it feels good.

something’s different… and IT FEELS NICE.

1. public restroom doors that swing inwards and not outwards
   this. why? WHY?! sanitation architects - just think about it. why would any public restroom user want to have to open the door onto themselves and try to squish out through the tiny space with all the shit they may happen to be carrying while trying their best to avoid stepping back towards touching the dirty toilet but finding it physically impossible because if you haven’t noticed, mr. architect, you’ve built each stall to be a miniscule, cramped box trap of germs.
   it just all seems so unnecessary! like, why can’t the doors just open outwards? why would there be any reason whatsoever to have the doors swing inwards?! I really see no obvious answers here. one of my life’s greatest mysteries.
   
   
2. cars that drive in the bike lane
   and honk at me when I’m biking there, so I’m forced to ride up onto the sidewalk — where I’m then yelled at by people who JDGI just don’t get it, telling me that I can’t ride on the sidewalk. bitch you don’t know my life! hahaha jk. but it was great; one time, I rode by this middle aged man obviously trying to impress his date by being all masculine and alpha male and shit, and stomping up to the policewomen that happened to standing at the intersection. he was all, “lady! can you tell these bikers to stop riding on the freaking sidewalk?” and she just gave him this blank look like, dafuq, and said, “what?” with slightly less conviction, he repeated, “isn’t it the rule that bikers can’t ride on the sidewalk??” she repeated her blank look and said simply, “no.”
   the look on his face was priceless.
   I could’ve hugged her. 
   
   
3. 8th graders
   no particular reason. I just think kids of that particular age range are pretty dumb.

every time I overhear the students from the nearby middle schools talking about schoolwork/academics-related material, I want to turn to them with a giant grin and pick them up in a huge hug and jump up and down while crying out joyfully, “yes! yes, keep discussing the quadratic formula instead of which drug dealer to buy from! keep up the good work! stay in school! make good decisions! you are the future!!” 

but then I think that might scare them more than anything, so I just fester in my pent-up glee and grin to myself like a creep.

where roommate and I were standing in front of the red carpet. pros: great spot to see all the celebs! cons: we happened to be standing in front of the two most annoying “Repent and Find Jesus” crucifix wearing, bible thumping assholes I’ve ever encountered (sidenote: I’ve never actually understood why they called them ‘bible thumpers’, but they literally do hold Bibles and thump them… TIL.) (second sidenote: they are the reasons why I’ll never follow organized religion). 

anyway, so there they were - yelling and screaming away and annoying the fuck out of all of us around them, when Alec Baldwin shows up and gets out of the car. I overhear Jesus Lady tell Jesus Man, “oh, his brother Billy is saved.” I take this opportunity to tell her that Alec is a Christian too (I have no idea if this is true, but I did it in an attempt to shut her up). I then go on to be yelled at about how people who go to church are hypocrites (?? whatever idk). 

so Alec comes over to say hi to us and sign autographs and whatnot - when he suddenly catches wind of what the Jesus Freaks (c. Elton John) were yelling.

so he pulls out his phone, holds it up to his ear, turns to the Jesus peeps, and goes - “Shh, can you keep it down; it’s Jesus.” 

• “Heard what happened to your football team. Tsk. Shame.”
• “Heard what happened to your football team. Bunch of cheaters!”
• “Do you go to the football games?”
• “Do you know [Obscure Person XYZ]? S/He goes to USC too.”
• “You’re going out to get dinner now? Are you sure you won’t get jumped?”
• “Are you sure you won’t get shot?”
• “Are you sure you won’t get mugged?”
• “Wait, you can just park your bike here? But it’s not locked to anything.”
• “I bet you live in a mansion.”
• “It’s okay, you’re rich. You go to USC.” 
• “You guys do the Greek system right.”
• “Ghetto!”